7 Women You Can Never Date

June 25, 2008

Certain ladies shouldn't be touched with a 10-foot pole, no matter how hot they are. Instead of giving in to temptation, distract yourself from the desire. Take a class, help kids or take in a ballgame, but whatever you do, stay away from these women you can never date. Generally, the reason to avoid these ladies has nothing to do with the woman herself, but it has everything to do with her context in your life.

Read on for a list of 7 women you can never date, and save your reputation, your bank account, your job, and your friendships.

1- Your best friend's sister

The woman you know the best will often appeal to you the most. But if she is your best friend's sister, getting lucky can mean two months of fun followed by the need to move to another part of the city. She makes the “7 women you can never date” list because as soon as sis becomes sweetheart, you'll be walking on eggshells with your buddy. Gone are the days of complaining to your friend about your women troubles because the conflict of interest ruins the good times, and the first time you make a mess of things, he will likely want to beat your ass.

2- Your secretary

There are plenty of reasons to keep your mitts off the help. It can get you into all kinds of trouble -- legal and otherwise -- should the relationship go south. But even if the fling goes well, you have problems. You'll soon be tempted to push the limits of what you can get away with at work, perhaps in the janitor's closet. Love at the office is an enormous distraction from your work, especially if you are in charge of her. Others are always watching what you are doing. Worst of all, once the relationship ends, she will enjoy leverage over you, and may use it simply by gossiping about what happened in the aforementioned closet.

3- The ex-girlfriend

Ex-girlfriends are one of the 7 women you can never date. Yet, the ex-girlfriend becomes increasingly seductive as loneliness sets in. After several years of eating the only three meals you know how to prepare, you can easily get blown away when she follows up chicken parmesan one night with chicken marsala the next. She might clean your apartment one day while you were getting loaded at happy hour, and you'll want her there permanently. The loneliness will make you forget the reason the two of you broke up in the first place, but should you jump back into the relationship, those reasons will resurface in no time.

4- The hot trailer girl

Have you seen Maury Povich? Let that show be a warning to you if you are smitten by the hooker with a heart of gold. It's fool's gold -- the hot trailer girl is definitely one of the 7 girls you can never date. The scenario goes something like this: You were in the club enjoying the company of a young woman whose breasts were rubbing against you like two sea lions on a beach, and then you got confused. Enjoy the one-nighter, but the next time you see her at bar time, you would be wise to end up at Denny's eating a Grand Slam breakfast.

5- Your friend's ex

When you witness the breakup of your buddy and his hot girlfriend, your mind will invariably wander to a place better left untouched. Since you’ve spent lots of time around her, you already have an established relationship -- albeit a non-sexual one. Chances are you already imagined what it would be like while she was still dating your pal, and her new freedom may pique your interest, but be forewarned: She is one of the 7 women you can never date. If you value your friendship, avoid her at all costs. What men forget to consider is the aftermath of hooking up with a friend’s ex. The word will spread to everyone else in your circle about what type of friend you are, and you’ll kill your own reputation. It doesn’t matter how long ago they broke up, whether they’re friends now or not, if your buddy’s replaced her with a new girlfriend, the answer is always no. Unless, of course, you enjoy getting your ass kicked.

6- The high-maintenance piranha

If you value your money and your manhood, the high-maintenance chick is also one of the 7 women you can never date. She will love you for your increased earnings at first, but then will consider you to be a soulless workaholic incapable of intimacy. Once you've built up a nest egg, her divorced friends will start directing her on how to devour that nest egg whole, just like a snake. She will give you the screw of a lifetime, but not the kind you’re seeking.

7- The stripper

Of the women you can never date, the stripper is worse than the hot trailer girl. No, she is not stripping to pay for school. Yes, she might be a hard-luck case, but sooner or later you will be acting like a body guard, thinking you can protect her honor from a rowdy bachelor party. If you think jealousy is beneath you, wait until you observe a private dance from afar when the john offers an extra C-note for a happy ending.


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