Bratty Girl

Every day since our childhoods, we’ve been picking up messaging and cues which have contributed to shaping our perception of The Ideal Man. Whether you based it off your father or another male figure that was very active in your life, what your mother told you was the ‘right guy’, or from movies, books, other media and interaction with the opposite sex, it is unavoidable that you have ended up building up beliefs and predetermined ideas about what a relationship and the man you have it with should ideally be like. The trouble is, isn’t there a point when we need to switch from fantasy to reality?

There is no such thing as a perfect man, that’s for damn sure, but as sure as the sun will rise and set tomorrow, I also know that we’re not in danger of coming across the perfect woman either. Perfection implies flawless and the very nature of being a human being with emotions that sometimes gets it right and at other times makes it wrong, means that it is impossible for a perfect specimen to exist. Even if you did meet someone that appeared to be perfect, you’d either spend a lot of your time wondering what the frigging catch was, or be incredibly disappointed when they acted ‘human’ or God forbid, screwed up.

If we keep on assuming that there is someone perfect to slot into our lives we’re setting ourselves up for a life of disappointment. This is no more likely to happen than we are to come across a ‘soulmate’ that thinks and acts exactly like we do, all of the time. Life throws curve balls which means that when our partner has an hour, day, week, month where he doesn’t think and act as we’d prefer, our false and exaggerated expectations will make us feel emotionally wounded and let down.

The very idea of a man expecting us to be perfect twenty four seven will make most women shudder and stamp their feet at their egotistical desire for perfection and it’s no different when we’re the ones that demand it. Whether you’ve got a master list of criteria in your head or are subconsciously chasing your dream vision of a man, you’re actually narrowing your field of vision, reducing the pool to fish from and setting yourself up for a fall from the giddy heights of great expectation. You’re effectively chasing something that doesn’t and will never exist.

The trouble with great expectations about the perfection of your partner is that you aren’t making allowances for the fact that they can and they will screw up. When you’re clocking up a list of characteristics of The Ideal Man, you don’t think ‘tall, dark, handsome, trustworthy, loving, caring, religious, shares the same aspirations and ambitions, strong values, wants to get married and have babies, leaves skidmarks in his pants, can’t tidy up to save his life, belches or farts without saying pardon, forgets anniversaries, sometimes doesn’t express what he feels and means very well, tries to fix instead of listening etc’. THAT is real life!

Until it becomes common day practice to buy a robot that can be and do all that you want, perfection will remain elusive and even if it came in the form of a robot, I’m sure that it would be subject to technical faults and loss of battery life. Yes, perfection really doesn’t exist for the task of relationships.

I, [print your name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Lady”), being of sound mind, have entered into a relationship with [print guy’s name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Man”). By signing below, I hereby agree to abide by all the rules as set out within this contract in perpetuity.

Clause 1: Dates

1. The Lady will eat more than a side salad.
2. The Man will not be expected to plan every date. He will be chivalrous, but he will not be the cruise director of the relationship.
3. If The Lady would like to attend an event that she knows The Man will despise, she is advised to do so with other people (See Clause 5: Extra-Curricular Activities). However, should she deem a night at the ballet, opera, or foreign movie house to be a necessity within the scope of the relationship, she should make plans (transportation, tickets, etc.) for this evening herself.
1. By accepting this Lady-partisan date, The Man will be guaranteed one (1) date on which both parties participate in an activity of his choice—including, but not limited to: attending an athletic event, watching a martial-arts movie, or going out for a large BBQ dinner.

Clause 2: Dialogue

1. The Lady will never discuss an ex-boyfriend.
1. Rule 2-a above may be broken if The Lady mentions a deep and abiding flaw in the ex-boyfriend, while also discussing ways in which The Man betters said ex.
2. If The Lady wants something or wants to know something, she will ask. There will be no hints or guessing games.
3. Any cute nicknames that The Lady has devised for The Man will never be spoken in public. See Clause 6, Section a, Subsection 3 for explanation.

1. Furthermore, The Lady may not devise any nickname that includes a diminutive or that is spoken in baby-voice (e.g., “Little John” or “Snuggle Bear”).

Clause 3: The Bedroom

1. During moments of physicality, The Lady will voice her wishes so that The Man knows how best to make her enjoy the experience. This is expected not only for her sake, but for his. The Man is a prideful being. He wants to know he can do everything right.
2. The Man reserves the right to his favorite side of the bed at all times, no exceptions. He may permit The Lady to rest on his chosen side if he wishes, but should he find himself tossing and turning at 3 a.m., it his right to reclaim said side with no ill will from The Lady.

Clause 4: Family

1. The Lady will not ask The Man to meet her family until at least one month of dating has been completed.
2. Upon meeting The Man’s mother, The Lady will try to learn as many of Mother Man’s recipes as possible. And yes, The Man likes his chicken that dry.

Clause 5: Extracurricular Activities

1. The Man will be guaranteed at least one Guys’ Night per week, chosen at his discretion. He will also retain at least two extra “floating” Guys’ Nights per month in case of an important sporting event or should an impromptu post-work visit to the bar arise.
2. The Lady can never be angry with a man for attending Guy’s Night.
3. The Lady will not call The Man more than once per Guys’ Night.
4. The Lady is encouraged to go out with her own friends as a means for keeping her independence and sense of self. However, there are ground rules for these engagements:
1. She will not ask The Man to attend any event on the day of a televised athletic match, any event that involves the phrase “pot luck,” or any event that celebrates the birth of a child, impending or otherwise.
2. She will not expect The Man to attend a gathering solely because the boyfriend/husband of The Lady’s Friend will also be in attendance. Misery does not make good company.
3. No. Ex-Boyfriends. Ever.

Clause 6: Love

1. Should the two parties remain together long enough to reach Relationship Level: Serious, The Man understands that he will, at some point, be called upon to vocally express his appreciation of The Lady in the strongest method possible. When the time comes, the following rules shall govern the use of Those Three Words Which Shall Not Yet Be Spoken.
1. The Lady will be the first party to speak the phrase. She will do so clearly and while making eye contact so that The Man knows it is he who is being spoken to. The Lady will allow the man at least five (5) minutes to respond in kind. This reprieve does not mean he doesn’t feel the same way, only that he is apt to be flustered, frightened, and suddenly stricken with cotton-mouth.
2. After the first time the Man arranges the words “I,” “you,” and “love” into a sentence, he will not be required to do so in response every time The Lady speaks the phrase. The Lady will also accept “Me, too,” “Ditto,” or a high-five in return.
3. The Lady will never speak the three-worded phrase when The Man is in the presence of either friends or co-workers. This is done out of respect for the mockery that is sure to result should he be forced to reciprocate while with said company.

By signing below, you agree to all rules as laid out in this contract, effectively guaranteeing that you will make The Man a truly happy person for the rest of his life, or until you realize that he is a loser who requires his girlfriends to sign legally binding documents.

______________________________
Print your name

______________________________
Signature

______________________________
Date

It’s a little early for a Christmas list, so I thought I’d put in an order to the Easter Bunny. We often compare men to chocolate so I thought I’d ask the Easter Bunny to bring me a man. Obviously this can be no ordinary request; this special Easter Man must meet a few requirements.

1. Must be emotionally available.

When I say available I do not mean he must pretend to listen to me talk about what is bothering me whilst staring steadfastly at the football on the TV over my shoulder.

2. Must be prepared to work for a living.

I’m not a stay at home girlfriend, so if I can get out of bed every morning and go to work and earn a wage, then so can a man.

3. Must not have a pathological fear of commitment.

I’m not the type of girl to be looking at wedding rings after a couple of dates, but when you go to the movies and the guy you are with cringes because someone on screen says the “L” word, you have to know he is a commitment-phobe.

4. Must be familiar with the concept of ‘truth’.

We have all told the occasional white lie from time to time “Yes Mom, my homework is done” or “These shoes were only £20 on sale…” But when a guy starts to tell so many lies that even he starts to believe them, there’s something very wrong.

5. Must be capable of intelligent conversation.

A conversation that doesn’t revolve around football, beer or food.

6. Must be capable of giving compliments.

If I have made the effort to look good, I would like the guy to recognize it. Not give me a cursory glance and nod before turning back to the football.

7. Must be familiar with a bar of soap.

Very little explanation needed. Personal hygiene is essential.

8. Must have the face and body of Channing Tatum (or Gerard Butler).

OK, this seems kinda unreasonable but again, it’s a wish list right? Hahaha.

So, I think my chances of finding this guy are about as slim as actually meeting the Easter Bunny … but I can live in hope right?

When I listen to women talk about their dating and relationship escapades, I wonder if we’ve been reading too many fairy tales and watching too many rom-com’s. They’re talking about someone that should be genetically modified and cloned for the rest of us because they are in search of the impossible - the perfect man. This means that they bin off men because they are too short, too many nose hairs, works in the wrong field, doesn’t earn the right money, made a mistake on the date, didn’t try to sleep with her on the first date, did try to sleep with her on the first date, farted, was too nice, too agreeable, did call, did buy her flowers and the list is endless.

There is no such thing as the perfect man and the sooner we pull ourselves away from this notion of perfection is the sooner that we can open ourselves up to being with a guy that ticks the right boxes mentally. If you think a guy is going to come blazing in on his white horse, rescue you from your twenties/thirties/forties and take you into marital blissdom, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

Many of us don’t see our blinkered attitude to The One as seeking perfection but make a list of all of the guys that you’ve dated over the last year or so and write down the reasons for not continuing to date them and it’s likely that you’ll come up with some entertaining reasons. The odd thing is that we’ll stay with men that mess us around like Mr. Unavailable’s but we’ll run a mile from men who are genuinely interested in us but are human, like us, and prone to the odd mistake.

We aren’t perfect and the idea that there is this person out there that perfectly fits us in every way means that we’ll be forever disappointed. What happens when he does something that doesn’t fit with our projected image?

I say ditch the rigid shopping list and fly by the seat of your pants and use judgment skills to assimilate whether there are red flags that you should be running a mile from. Focus on how you feel around someone and ditch the superficial stuff and look for a person with character that shares your values. We want people to love us for who we are and we should act in the same way because surprise, surprise, we aren’t perfect either.