Bratty Girl

In your life, you’ll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There’s the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you lost your virginity to, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you’re with… and the one that got away.

Who is the one that got away? I guess it’s that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. There was no fault in the person, there was no flaw in the chemistry, but the cards just didn’t fall the right way, I suppose.

I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person. I can actually argue that an equal part, or maybe even the greater part, has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance.

How often have you gone through it without even realizing it? When you’re not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn’t matter who you’re with, it just doesn’t work. Small problems become big; inconsequential become deal breakers simply because you’re not ready and it shows. It’s not that you and the person you’re with are no good; it’s just that it’s not yet right, and little things become the flashpoint of that fact.

Then one day you’re ready. You really are. And when this happens you’ll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it’ll work because you’re ready. It’ll work because it’s the right time and you’ll make it work. And it’ll make sense, it really will.

So that day comes when you’re finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want, and you’ve become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there’s no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you’re single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn’t matter. All you know is that you’ve changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about.

You’ll think about them because you’ll wonder, “What if they were here today?” You’ll wonder, “What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?” That’s what the one that got away is. The biggest “What if?” you’ll have in your life.

If you’re married, you’ll just have to accept the fact that the one that got away, got away. Believe me, no matter how fairy tale you think your marriage is, this can happen to the best of us. But hopefully you’re mature enough to realize that you’re already with the one you’re with and this is just another test of your commitment, one which will just strengthen your marriage when you get past it. Sure, you’ll think about him/her every so often, but it’s alright. It’s never nice to live with a “might have been,” but it happens.

Maybe the one that got away is the one who’s already married. In which case it’s the same thing. You just have to accept and know that your memories of that person will probably bring a nice little smile to your lips in the future when you’re old and gray and reminiscing.

But if neither of that is the case, then it’s different. What do you do if it’s not yet too late? Simple…find him, find her. Because the very existence of a “one that got away” means that you’ll always wonder, what if you got that one?

Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn’t matter if you’ve dropped in from out of nowhere. You’d be surprised, you just might be “the one that got away” as well for the person who is your “the one that got away.”

You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won’t make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it’ll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I’m thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, “Hey you, you’re the one that almost got away.”

I wonder what love is…

Sometimes, it feels like sunshine on the perfect day. I just want to bask in it. But a shadow passes and it becomes a vengeful storm; I just want to get out of it. One day, I'm flying. Another day, I'm drowning. Then, I can't have enough of it – craving and bursting with insatiable desire. Soon, I'm sick to my heart and dying to tear away. Now, a welcome delight; streaming in like dawn through an open window. Quickly, a horror- ten thousand rivers washing my life away.

Tell me – which one of these tortured, conflicting emotions is love?

Is love an illusion then? An emotional blindfold that tricks you into a cruel commitment? If it has all ended so badly, tell me – what was it I felt when it was beginning? Love, eh? Fickle love. It teases you into deep waters and abandons you in the middle.

I'm sure all of that sounded quite familiar. Love is one wicked experience. After you've fed fat on a few romantic novels and watched a few movies, you go in thinking you are about to be launched up to cloud nine. “Cloud nine” turns out to be a tiny room with no windows, occupied by two people struggling to breathe.

How can something that felt so sweet at the beginning turn out to be so sour in the end? How can something that felt so natural at the beginning get to demand so much effort in the end? How can something that felt so filling at the beginning turn out to be so draining in the end? How can something turn out to be so different from what it felt like in the beginning?

The conclusion: love is left somewhere between dusk and dawn. It slipped out through the window, grew wings and flew away. Without its magic dust shading our vision, we see ourselves as we truly are – grossly inadequate, terribly irritating. It abandons us, strips the props from our beautifully constructed stage, leaving us to wallow in bare, grinding reality. It is, itself, like the wind – no telling when it will come or when it will go. So, when we commit to each other, we keep our fingers crossed, hoping that love stays to keep it sweet and beautiful.

I wish I could sit love down and have a chat with him. I'll tell him to stop popping in and popping out of peoples lives like it was a children's game. Don't you know lives are wrecked by your whimsical behavior? That's what I'll tell him. Stop picking people up, whirring them up to dizzying heights then letting them fall and dash themselves into a million pieces. Once you come, stay – damn it! We are at your mercy, o love! Once you come into our hearts, for heaven's sake – stay there forever.

Love is not a feeling, so don't bother asking which one of the million and one things you feel when you see an attractive man or woman – is love. None of them is. None of them is the sign that he or she is The One. Nothing you feel confirms the rightness of your urge to pursue them or guarantees the happiness of a future with them. The truth – the certainty you seek – is not in your feelings. They will always be what they are – temperamental, fickle and constantly changing. That is the eternal nature of our feelings.

Love is a choice. It is a decision you make after you've seen the facts. Love chooses. Love decides. It is not a mysterious charm or an over powering attraction that holds it down. Love is always free, never bound. It stays because it chooses to stay. It is not at the mercy of emotions it cannot control. It does not depend on feelings it cannot control. I tell you – love is the decision to be with someone and do whatever it takes to make it work.

It is not what you think in your head or feel in your heart. It is what works for the person you are living with. Deciding to discover what this is and to do it consistently, regardless of how you may feel on any given day, this is what love is. It is in this sense that the Bible says, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son” (John 3:14). In plain English – God wanted to be with man and did what needed to be done to make it happen. We do not love because we feel; we love because we are willing and able to do what needs to be done to be with someone.

So the next time you wonder – is it love? Don't check how you feel. Look at the person – look at their needs and their expectations, their dreams and their aspirations, their weaknesses and their inadequacies – and ask yourself; am I willing and able to make this person happy?

We all think that love is all about the deep things in life – and that the strong bonds of love might be about the sacrifices that people make for each other. Well, love can be a little simpler than that.

A recent research conducted with 52 couples found that laughing strengthens the relationship. When people laugh at the same thing, they validate each other's opinions. Private jokes and pet names, things that others just don't get, strengthen ties between couples.

One of main reasons why people who laugh together find that they grow to have each other is because laughter is a pleasurable experience. The more positive memories you have, the more you love the other person.

If you have ever ate something and got sick and then decided from that time on not to eat the food again? Same thing applies to relationships that have a lot of negative images. Negative images add up to pull the relationship apart.

The second component of love is those secret little pet names and private jokes that no one else knows about. These little secrets help the couples feel that they are in a tight bond. It seems that they are likely in their own little world with their own language that no one else understands.

So, may I suggest that go ahead, create endearing yet funny and unusual pet names. Even "klunkhead" may evoke such giggling-inducing and warm associations with the moniker that only the two of you will hold dear.

As little girls we grow up dreaming of having the perfect fairytale. We imagine the man we’ll someday marry, how we’ll meet, how he’ll kiss, how he’ll propose. We have the complete love story planned out in our imaginations and, somehow, we believe every ounce of it. We have that remarkable innocence that allows us to see ourselves as grown women, trapped in a doorless tower with the longest blonde locks, awaiting our knight who will somehow rescue us and whisk us away to a castle in the clouds. Is it any wonder that, as we grow older and find our way through the minefield that is relationships, we end up disappointed? My question: is the man that we will eventually choose to marry ever going to be good enough to meet the high expectations we set as little girls? Will he ever be the perfect Prince Charming of our childhood dreams?

It is unclear why these unrealistic hopes are put into the open minds of us as children. Is it because childhoods are meant to be filled with hopefulness and happiness, regardless of whether it’s all based on a lie or not – just like Santa? As we grow into women and become experienced with the real dating scene, it is true to say most of us experience disappointment. The romance we had always imagined and dreamed of rarely materializes and our white knights are nowhere to be seen. We are forced to experience heartbreak, infidelity and loss – something never explained to us in those hundreds of fairytales. How do we ever expect to live Happily Ever After when we’re searching for something fictional?

In the past fifty years, the dating scene has changed dramatically. What once was white is now black and vice versa. But with these changes in society and acceptable behaviours, our fairytales have remained the same and not evolved with time, as they should. And so, I can’t help but wonder what would happen if we rewrote the greatest stories of our childhoods. What if The End wasn’t at our first kiss but a couple of years on? What if we introduced the partner who cheated? The mother-in-law who thought we weren’t good enough for her son? An ex-love? Trust issues? A break-up? What then? It is my belief that we would go into our very first experience with love more open-minded with more realistic hopes of our future. We would know that it’s normal to have rough times as well as good times. And we would know not to expect – or even to secretly hope for – perfection, because nobody is perfect – not even our shining white knights.

What starts off as an innocent dream for six year-old girls results in discontentment and dissatisfaction. Many of us run at the first sign of trouble because ‘this isn’t how it’s supposed to be’. We somehow always believe that there is better out there, that we haven’t yet found our One – but that’s only because our vision of what should be is a work of our imagination and the memory of bedtime stories. Would it really be such a bad thing to face up the fact that love really isn’t flawless and simple? There isn’t always one bad witch who is easily defeated before we can run away and be happy; there are often more and they come regularly. Maybe we should be prepared for this as we grow so that bumps in the road are not unexpected and so that the men in our lives are valued and appreciated for what they are and not thrown away for what they aren’t.

The moral of the story: your foot doesn’t always pop with a first kiss and there is no such thing as a castle in the clouds. But learning your own special kiss – one that is just for the two of you – and building a home from scratch, together, and mending things after an argument, can bring much more happiness than even Snow White or Princess Aurora could ever have dreamed of. Now those are the things that fairytales should be made of.

I once believed that people were meant to fall in love, get married, have children and then live happily ever after. Now I realize that everyone’s boat floats for different reasons and I needed to find my own.

There was a time not too long ago when I believed that in order to be a whole person, and to feel like I had finally reached "womanhood" I would have to be in a serious relationship, or even better, engaged. I now realize what this belief was based on. It starts with a message that society sent me as soon as I was able to comprehend such things. That men and women were meant to fall in love, get married, and have children. I mean this is, after all, the "norm" of things.

To make matters worse, most of my close buddies from grade school have already gotten hitched and had children. Then of course there is the fact that I grew up watching Disney movies that always portrayed a damsel in distress that could not function as a normal person until she was "saved" by a gallant, handsome prince. Oh yeah, and they ALWAYS lived happily ever after.

So I spent most of my youth in and out of relationships, quickly realizing that Disney lied to me. Who were all of these villains? Where was my prince? I was always the one to end these relationships, mostly out of pure disappointment. I thought such things as, "Isn't he supposed to be charming? Isn't he supposed to have a great singing voice and take me for rides on his beautiful white stallion?" I settled for a sports bike and a nice car.

For a while I tried to convince myself that men would become more charming as they aged. They would mature and then be more in tune with their hearts, and finally understand what it is to sweep a lady off of her feet. I gave up when someone I was dating referred to his dog as his Valentine, and did nothing to show me otherwise. Well, I hope the two of them had a very romantic candlelight dinner and ended the night sharing their doggy-breath as they kissed.

I believe I have done my fair share of trying, and have resorted to enjoying my time alone. I look at the up side: I can do whatever I want, whenever I want, and not have to explain it to anyone. I can sit in the shade with a book, drinking tea, and not have anyone interrupting me, or getting jealous that I would rather read than pluck their uni-brow. I do not need to worry about my feelings getting hurt by someone I decided to trust, who will only betray it one way or another.

I simply focus on the good parts of being single – like freedom – and the bad parts of relationships – like possessiveness. It really works, you know. I have realized that I do not need to strive for that dream of a prince. For that goal of living happily ever after with my one true love. I can be happy in the meantime just being me, and doing my own thing, and if someone should come along that catches my fancy and one thing should lead to another then so be it. But in the meantime, I have found other things to look forward to and enjoy. I have found pleasure in the single life. I will enjoy it while it lasts, however long that may be.

A Heavenly Angel was created and formed by the hands of God, a perfect creation. God said, “This is truly a one of a kind. I must now break the mold, because there shall not be another. No two things will ever be made alike. I am well pleased.” God was so pleased, that heaven also rejoiced with Him.

The Heavenly Angel was unique, beautiful, and she possessed the gift of touch. Her touch could melt mountains, and turn the hearts of men into pure gold. Her presence demanded the very best, because she, herself, gave her very best. She would meet or exceed all expectations.

One day, God heard a desperate cry from a man, who was lonely and very depressed. The man was fair looking and he had a lot of potential, he also had lots of love to give, but no one to share it with. So, God decided to send the Heavenly Angel to earth to lift this man's spirit.

God's intentions, was that the Heavenly Angel would comfort the man and return back to heaven, however, while upon the earth, something very unexpected took place. The man and the Heavenly Angel had fallen in love.

As God watched from heaven, He realized that the two of them made beautiful music together, they were deserving of one another. So, He sent word to the Heavenly Angel that if she so desired, she could stay with the man whom she loved. God also told her that love, joy, and happiness would be with them for eternity; and that He was well pleased with their union.

“For what God has joined together, let no man tear it apart.”

The Heavenly Angel and the man, are you and I!

Women from all walks of life are becoming more adamant about finding Mr. Right. Most of them agree that he has to be more than a guy that is disease free. Although meeting this criterion is essential in today's day and age, most women would also like a man who possess certain “qualities”. The trouble, it seems, is that some of you don't know which qualities qualify a man for keeper status. That's where I come in.

How many times have you been out with your girlfriends, having a good time, and looking completely divafied from head to toe? The DJ is worth the price of admission. The bartender has a heavy pour. And your buzz kicks in just as you notice someone checking you out. The two of you make eye contact, and you hope none of your girlfriends has seen him.

Then he approaches.

Your heart flutters. You try hard not to let him see how nervous you are, but you are sure he does anyway. He smiles and his teeth sparkle. You melt. He tells you his name and you likewise. Then he asks you to dance. What do you do?

I'm sure that in the past you wouldn't have wasted anytime with shoving aside your drink and poking your tongue at your friends while being led to the floor. But this isn't the past. You're looking for a good man now, remember? A man with “qualities”. And the first quality that you should be concerned with is:

Honesty

Instead of heading to the floor for a grind-and-sweat session, ask him to have a seat. No, you're not going to interrogate him; you're simply going to ask him a quick question or two that could save you a lot of heartache.

What questions you choose to ask are up to you. The most important thing here is how he responds. If he has a drink, watch what he does with it after you ask your question. If he places it between you and him, nine times out of ten he is using it as a subtle way of creating a barrier between you and the truth. Also, he may shift away from you. This is because liars have a hard time keeping their bodies directly in front of those they are lying to.

Now let's say he answers all of your questions without raising your suspicion. You two have that dance and it turns out he has great moves. You give him your number, and several days later, he calls and asks to take you out. What other quality should you be looking for next?

Conscientious

Pay attention. When he talks, does he appear to be thinking before he speaks? If so, then you are with a man who thinks enough of you not to be a potty-mouthed, pseudo-tough guy who thinks that using colorful language is the quickest way to get you in bed.

A man also has you at the forefront of his thoughts when, during dinner, he asks if you like what you ordered and if you would you like to try what's on his plate. Feel free to translate that any way you like.

Okay, now you know he's thinking of you. What next?

Sensitivity

Let me first say that a man is not being sensitive when you catch him in your panties. That guy is probably gay. What you want is a masculine man who is sensitive enough to acknowledge your feelings, right? Well, here's how to know if you have such a man.

A few weeks pass and the two of you are starting to get closer. Then one day you have a bad day at work. You need to vent and so you tell Mr. Right. If he's a jerk, he'll shrug and say, "That’s life". But if he's a MASCULINE MAN who is sensitive to your feelings, then he'll give you a hug and call you at work the next morning to make sure things are going smooth.

Or, let's say he has a bad day at work. A masculine man who is sensitive to your feelings will always greet you with a smile. He will do this because he is conscious of the fact that you may have had a bad day as well, and he doesn't want to add to it.

If the guy has made it this far, then he's probably good to go. He only needs one more for a perfect grade sheet.

Caring

You can't get a good read on this “quality” until you are in a situation that calls for him to really be there for you (picking you up from work instead of letting you catch a ride with a co-worker doesn't count). If you're as strong as I think you are, then there aren't many times when you need someone to handle your lightweight. However, life doesn't always throw you the same pitch. Every now and again, you get a curveball.

Sometimes you get sick.

I know, I know, you don't want to think about your last cold. The sore throat. The dull ache in your forehead and the back of your neck. Your body feeling like it's on fire one minute then freezing the next. Ugh! But times like this are perfect for finding out who really cares about you.

If the guy in your life does, then he will not have a problem fluffing your pillows just the way you like it. Neither will he have a problem with cooking your soup or crumbling your crackers into itty-bitty pieces that are more suitable for swallowing. And, just in case you can keep your eyes open for more than five minutes, he will make sure the remote is always within arms reach.

And there you have it. This is a solid foundation to build any relationship on. Sure, there are other “qualities” to look for, but I am sure if the guy you are with has those aforementioned, then everything else will fall in place. Whether or not you get to see the whole package depends on if you possess the “quality” men like to see in a woman...

Patience.

If you've ever seen The Notebook, Titanic, or Romeo and Juliet, you might believe that there really only is one soul mate for everyone. I mean, could you imagine Allie and Noah with anyone else but each other in the end? On the other hand, I'm sure you've been in more than one serious relationship where you thought he was the one, only to realize it was actually the guy after him that was. I go back and forth on this one but what I want to know is, do you believe that we're destined to only have one soul mate, or do you think it's possible to have more than one love of your life?

A man can be part of the design of your life, not necessarily the redesign of your life.

- Glen Close

Patience is a virtue. Without it, it makes life that much more difficult. Not to mention a lot of times winding up dating a walking, talking real meat loaf! Many of us get in such a dating rut that we often settle for the person we are not compatible with. (Personality and character that is.) Just because you are having a little dry spell doesn't mean you have to settle for that man you are not compatible, or truly content with. Does it?

The only time a dry spell is good for you (yes, I said good for you) is when you can't stop judging a man by his looks. A dry spell can push you into dates with many men who wouldn't fit your mold for that ideal mate. You're attracted to him only after getting to know him. You have found in him more than what meets the eye. So yes, a dry spell can be good for you.

Sometimes it's a waiting game. You have to wait for that right one to come along, and avoid the ones who won't make you feel whole as a lover and a friend. The right man should be able to make you feet good and make you laugh. That should be just part of what you want in him.

Good things come to those who wait!

Write that out in big bold letters and tape it on your bathroom mirror, because good things do come to those who wait! What do you really have if you don't have the patience? Having a wonderful, loving, sex-filled relationship with someone is something we all want in a mate. That's not the only thing to life, but it comes pretty damn close.

Sometimes it's best to just not think about men. Yeah...RIGHT! Concentrate on your life. What do you like to do for a hobby?

I mean, besides looking for men!

Do what you most enjoy out of life. If it's men, do the second most enjoyable thing in your life. Don't think about having a man right now, because he will come. The more you think about it, the worse it gets. At times you just can't stop thinking about men. Haven't you ever noticed that? The time flies by when you stop thinking about them and do other things in your life. You just might suddenly find yourself in a relationship that you have been looking for all this time. When you have your mind on other things and letting the time go by, before you know it you just might find yourself in a good, stable, satisfying relationship with that man you have been looking for before. In most cases it works, and it works because you aren't thinking about it anymore, and therefore not trying anymore. Eventually he will come along.

This can also make you appear more appealing to the right men out there. They notice that on some women. You will be giving a signal of: I don't need a man to make me a whole woman. I can't explain it, but it does happen. At the same time though you want to be very friendly and pleasant to the men out there. Make yourself approachable and attractive, but in a nonchalant way. Being aloof is not an attractive trait to have. Men will tell you so.

That's the way life is for many people. There are those who have it all: A great job, easy breaks in life, money and success. While the rest have to work and wait for it. But is there anything wrong with working and waiting for what you really want? You have to be patient. It's hard to spend life without loving someone and being loved, but being patient can be the key to opening new doors for you. Concentrate on other things that will take up all of your idle time. The more you sit around, the more you think about men. Isn't it true? The more you keep your mind busy on other things, the less you are going to think about him. Then the faster he will come to you!

Not thinking about men all the time is also another benefit for you. It can refresh yourself when it's time to start looking again. That is, if you want to look again. It shows on you when you are refreshed. It's like your batteries are recharged. Your positive attitude shines through more. You're ready to try it again, but this time with more gusto and feeling. It will show on your face. You will feel it. So take that needed break

Now with all this said, you may be a little confused. First I say you should date men who don't fit your mold for the ideal mate, and then I turn around and say you shouldn't date the ones who aren't your type. I think I better explain myself before you call me a typical male. I think I can make myself clearer by telling you a little story.

I was once friends with a woman who had serious men problems. Her favorite saying is probably similar to yours: "He's either gay, a jerk, or is already taken." Well the day came when she met a man who she later began dating. She introduced him to me, and right then and there I knew he wasn't right for her. There was just something about him that set off a silent alarm for my friend. Maybe she knew it too, I don't know, but about a month later it turned out I was right. He landed up being your classic psycho. So of course my friend and I couldn't help but to pin that nickname on him. During their time together he would ALWAYS call her and, a little at a time, he would start to weird out. He was always asking where she's been, and he started getting that look in his eyes that can only be found at your local sanitarium. She naturally called it off, but he kept on calling, even at her job. Sound familiar? It took over a month before he got it out of his system. And longer for her to get him out of hers!

I knew he wasn't right just by the way he looked, and from his persona. A lot of times you can't tell what a person is like just by that, but with this guy you could. I think my friend could see it also, but she went out with him anyway because she was in one long dry spell. There are times when you shouldn't date some men because there are extreme differences. And I don't mean his height and he isn't as handsome as you would like him to be.

For now though, go with your intuition. Sometimes you know he isn't the one just by talking with him. He may not have that right personality or character, or there is just something about him that just isn't right. Don't go out with a certain man just because he is giving you his attention, or he is the only one around at the time when you know deep down it won't work. And yes, I know, sometimes you do need more time to know for sure, so make it a coffee date, just in case he isn't. Be sure to look for inner beauty, and see if his personality and / or character at least partially connect with yours.

Having a dry spell could be a blessing in disguise.

A dry spell...good for you? Now that sounds pretty stupid, I'll admit. But think about it, don't some of us tend to go out with someone who doesn't interest us, just because we are in a dry spell and will go out on this date because...IT'S A DATE?! Are you thinking? And for some of you, I'll bet dollars to doughnuts (don't ask me what that means) that sometime during your date he became more interesting and maybe more attractive to you. A dry spell can kick you in the butt in getting you to go out with men who you may think aren't your type. During this reluctant date he may not be so bad after all. Ahhh, the irony of it all.

Do you know someone or have a friend who fell in love with a man who didn't fit her mold for that ideal mate? Did she go out with him just because she was in a dry spell and later found him to be more attractive than from when she first saw him? We judge people by just the outer surface. We take one look at another and immediately judge whether or not they are worth a date, or getting to know, especially if this takes place at a bar or a club. Some things we don't want or avoid are many times wrapped in unattractive wrapping.

It’s a little early for a Christmas list, so I thought I’d put in an order to the Easter Bunny. We often compare men to chocolate so I thought I’d ask the Easter Bunny to bring me a man. Obviously this can be no ordinary request; this special Easter Man must meet a few requirements.

1. Must be emotionally available.

When I say available I do not mean he must pretend to listen to me talk about what is bothering me whilst staring steadfastly at the football on the TV over my shoulder.

2. Must be prepared to work for a living.

I’m not a stay at home girlfriend, so if I can get out of bed every morning and go to work and earn a wage, then so can a man.

3. Must not have a pathological fear of commitment.

I’m not the type of girl to be looking at wedding rings after a couple of dates, but when you go to the movies and the guy you are with cringes because someone on screen says the “L” word, you have to know he is a commitment-phobe.

4. Must be familiar with the concept of ‘truth’.

We have all told the occasional white lie from time to time “Yes Mom, my homework is done” or “These shoes were only £20 on sale…” But when a guy starts to tell so many lies that even he starts to believe them, there’s something very wrong.

5. Must be capable of intelligent conversation.

A conversation that doesn’t revolve around football, beer or food.

6. Must be capable of giving compliments.

If I have made the effort to look good, I would like the guy to recognize it. Not give me a cursory glance and nod before turning back to the football.

7. Must be familiar with a bar of soap.

Very little explanation needed. Personal hygiene is essential.

8. Must have the face and body of Channing Tatum (or Gerard Butler).

OK, this seems kinda unreasonable but again, it’s a wish list right? Hahaha.

So, I think my chances of finding this guy are about as slim as actually meeting the Easter Bunny … but I can live in hope right?

When I listen to women talk about their dating and relationship escapades, I wonder if we’ve been reading too many fairy tales and watching too many rom-com’s. They’re talking about someone that should be genetically modified and cloned for the rest of us because they are in search of the impossible - the perfect man. This means that they bin off men because they are too short, too many nose hairs, works in the wrong field, doesn’t earn the right money, made a mistake on the date, didn’t try to sleep with her on the first date, did try to sleep with her on the first date, farted, was too nice, too agreeable, did call, did buy her flowers and the list is endless.

There is no such thing as the perfect man and the sooner we pull ourselves away from this notion of perfection is the sooner that we can open ourselves up to being with a guy that ticks the right boxes mentally. If you think a guy is going to come blazing in on his white horse, rescue you from your twenties/thirties/forties and take you into marital blissdom, you’ll be sorely disappointed.

Many of us don’t see our blinkered attitude to The One as seeking perfection but make a list of all of the guys that you’ve dated over the last year or so and write down the reasons for not continuing to date them and it’s likely that you’ll come up with some entertaining reasons. The odd thing is that we’ll stay with men that mess us around like Mr. Unavailable’s but we’ll run a mile from men who are genuinely interested in us but are human, like us, and prone to the odd mistake.

We aren’t perfect and the idea that there is this person out there that perfectly fits us in every way means that we’ll be forever disappointed. What happens when he does something that doesn’t fit with our projected image?

I say ditch the rigid shopping list and fly by the seat of your pants and use judgment skills to assimilate whether there are red flags that you should be running a mile from. Focus on how you feel around someone and ditch the superficial stuff and look for a person with character that shares your values. We want people to love us for who we are and we should act in the same way because surprise, surprise, we aren’t perfect either.

Love. Can it really be eternal?

The poet Robert Graves describes love as "a universal migraine", "a bright stain on the vision/blotting out reason".

If that were so, I must by now be quite blind and without reason, for I have been in love not a few times.

It is, after all, a thrilling sensation, with all the clichés about it ringing true.

When you're in love, you see the world with new eyes.

Everything feels almost unbearably light, and life can never be more right. Everyday concerns - the mortgage, job insecurities, and family problems - seem so irrelevant.

What matter is being with the object of your affection - that hot rush of anticipation as you wait for him, the warmth that engulfs you when you are finally together, and the smugness in knowing you are loved.

Can there be a nicer feeling than that?

The way I see it, there are four types of people when it comes to love.

The first finds a soulmate early in life. She marries him, they set up a home, have kids, and their life's pretty settled from then on.

The second type moves from one relationship onto another, and the relationships are more often than not fraught with woes. Life is one roller-coaster ride as she soars with joy and plunges into misery.

The third sort doesn't care for relationships, for she can be perfectly happy without a beloved by her side.

Then, there is the fourth type, who dearly wishes to be involved with someone, but can't find the right partner.

I suppose I fall into the fourth category, for I have always wished to be with Mr. Right.

Love, I have discovered, is seldom a one-way ticket to the moon.

The journey can be aborted half-way and you can find yourself hitting the ground with a bump.

Sadly, I have had my share of being brought down to earth. And, if I look back on my relationships, there are some lessons in love I have learnt:

It is better to be dumped than to dump.

Of course this is putting it simply. Life is more complex than that - there are people who deserve to be dumped.

But if both parties haven't done any wrong, I'd prefer to be the "dumpee" than the "dumper" any day.

Of course, it hurts like crazy when you discover that a person no longer loves you. But feeling hurt is any time better than feeling guilty.

The former fuels a range of emotions - wretchedness, anger and self-pity chief among them - which are, actually, rather self-indulgent sensations and not totally unpleasant. But when you're the bad one, there are no two ways about it - you've done something horrible to someone and the only way you can feel is lousy.

It's not love when it's stormy.

I used to think that true love had to be wrought with turbulent feelings. Isn't this what passion was all about? What is love without tiffs and spats, followed by dizzy kisses when you patched up?

These days, I regard a calmer life as the healthier option. Because, every time you quarrel with a loved one, you are tearing him down, and surely that can't be what love is. It should be about shoring up your partner, not bring him down.

Love just happens. You can't search for it.

There was a time when I went to parties in the hope that I'd meet someone I could fall in love with. Well, it never happened.

The relationships I treasure started from chance encounters, never through a blind date or an arranged meeting. And for those who are single, fret not. Serendipitous meetings do happen.

If you love a person, you would want to show him off.

If you have any qualms at all about the person whom you say you love - perhaps you're embarrassed by the car he drives, or that he's balding or that he stutters or doesn't have a university degree - it can't be love.

When you love someone, you'd regard him as a trophy and want to flaunt him to the world.

A sharp knife cuts the quickest.

It also hurts the least. When love peters out and it's time to call it quits, say your adieus snappily.

Prolonging the goodbye only lengthens the misery and leaves a lousy aftertaste. Besides, a short and sweet farewell is the classiest exit.

Love scars heal.

Yes, amazingly they do, though it takes ages to forget someone who has forsaken you. You will alternate between fantasizing about looking drop-dead gorgeous and winning him back, and scheming to wreak revenge on him.

But one day, you'll wake up, gaze at his picture and feel - nothing.

If it's really love, he will marry you.

Bah, you say? You might think, what a stupid notion in this day and age! A woman doesn't need the man she loves to marry her. Besides, hasn't the institution of marriage been devalued?

I used to believe all that too. But now, I regard marriage as the ultimate test. If you truly love someone, wouldn't you want to belong to him and vice-versa?

When you find your The One, go for it.

When you least expect it, the thought just descends upon you - you have found your The One. He's the one standing in front of you and whom you've been staying single for all your life.

It's a truly amazing sensation, and if the other person feels the same way, then it is also a wonderful one.

And if you have found your The One, well, congratulations!

Life's great, isn't it?

When I was growing up I was force-fed the highly romanticized view that everyone had one soul mate out in the world and hopefully, you would find them even though the odds were 6 billion to 1 that you wouldn’t. From one perspective it’s very comforting to know that everyone has someone whose destiny is intertwined with theirs romantically. But on the other hand, it was highly depressing to think that if your one person was on the other side of the world or if they were in another culture or if they got hit by a bus, you might very well never meet.

Over time I developed a modified view. I started to believe that while not everyone was compatible with everyone else, there were pools, or small segments of the population that did get along well with one another. So, out of the 6 billion, instead of just one person that I could connect deeply with, there were 5 or 20 or maybe even 50 (depending on how much your personality can adapt to other personalities). Now, granted, finding 50 people out of 6 billion is still like trying to find a needle in a haystack, but it’s much more optimistic (and much less fatalistic) than the alternative.

So bet you’re asking yourself, “So what? How does that do anything for me?”

Well understanding that there are multiple people out there for you, rather than just one, creates a flexibility that you wouldn’t have otherwise. Obviously, with more options comes more freedom. If you are currently dating someone you think is the “one” and some other dude comes along that’s even more perfect, then using the old model, you would have to decide which one was your actual soul mate.

My theory allows you to know that while both may be your soul mate (defined as another human being that is so like you in personality, in preferences, in goals and outlooks, that your relationship is guaranteed to achieve the deepest level of intimacy possible for mere mortals), one may be incrementally better for you than the other. So you don’t have the extra added burden of thinking, “Well if I choose incorrectly, I lose everything.” It’s more like, “Damn, if I choose wrong I’ll still get a soul mate but maybe a slightly lower tier one, and that’s not all that bad actually.”

It really doesn’t matter if you’re 19 or 89; you more than likely feel that you have one of these. At some point in your life, you were completely enamored with someone who didn’t find your charm quite as appealing. They broke your heart, but to you, that made them much more I usually lose it for some reason which tells me this might be the new diet plan; have guys I really like break up with me. Or maybe not. endearing. This relationship might not have lasted long, however it will be the most difficult to get over. After they dump you, you mope around for at least a week. During this week, you might not shower, you probably won’t answer your phone, or you’ll screen the calls because it might be him calling to tell you that he’s made a huge mistake. It never is though. It is also possible that you’ll lose or gain 5 lbs.

You will obsess over “what could have been” which is how the “one that got away” stigma actually comes into existence. With this kind of relationship, you never felt like you had a fair chance. Since these relationships are typically short, you never get to the stage where things are bad.

You see this guy as nearly perfect. And then, like a knife in the heart, he breaks up with you out of nowhere. It hits you like a ton of bricks and you can’t justify it. You can’t say, “Well, he was too overbearing” or “Good riddance, what a lousy piece of a**”. Deluding yourself will not work here. Telling your friends that you’re fine will not work either. The cloud that hangs over your head will last for quite sometime and it’s possible that your view on love or relationships may be temporarily altered.

So, do I believe in soul mates? Yes. Absolutely.

Here’s how I define soulmate: That one person who completes you, body and soul. The one who fills your thoughts from the moment you awaken to the moment you drift into the bliss of unconsciousness. The one who, even in the bliss of unconsciousness, fills your mind to the brink with thoughts of love, understanding, strength, and desire. Your other half; the ebb to your flow. The moon that pulls your tide back to shore when you begin to slip away and allows you to drift back to sea when the shore becomes too much to bear. The wind that fills your sails when you find yourself adrift upon rough waters with no way to safety. The understanding that not only forgives and understands your brokenness, but feels grief at the fact that they were not present to prevent such trials and tribulations. The love that knows no limits, no boundaries, no expectations, and no forfeit.

Do I think there is more than one soulmate? Perhaps. I believe that every person we love leaves an imprint on our heart. I have no doubt that we are designed to love and love again. It’s a process. Every time we give the gift of our love and ourselves to another person, they become a link in the chain of life and love. They enable us to be better lovers, more compassionate friends, more understanding partners, and more fulfilling other halves. Each of these people is, in a small way, our soul mate. However, I believe that everyone is intended for one other person. Who that person is, while not predetermined, is very limited in possibility. We are designed to be compatible with a very select number of people. These people, maybe a dozen in number, are spread all over the map, and finding that ONE is what drives us to love over and over again. But knowing that there IS that One, that’s what makes the loving worth while.

The window of opportunity is the time frame that we have to act upon an attraction before the moment passes and the person moves on to someone else. People tend to act after they are ‘out of the frame’ i.e. the window has passed, and feel confused because they know that the person had feelings for them and have now moved on.

The Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda mentality seems to be rife and there are countless people out there that wonder what would have happened if only they hadn’t done such and such, or hadn’t been slow to react. We have a tendency to think that the grass is greener on the other side, there might be something better around the corner and that there is infinite possibility. This is a very misguided notion that leaves us constantly pondering if there is someone out there that fits the visualization that you have of the person that you would like to be with, whilst we miss out on relationship opportunities that are right in front of our faces.

Like everything else in life, you need to seize the opportunity when it presents itself as you cannot be sure when or if it will happen again. A great financial deal may surface again and you may have the funds to do it, but if the window of opportunity passes you by for a relationship, you may be watching them go down the street with their future spouse and kids, or out on a date with someone else, or they may even just lose interest all together. The reason that we let the window of opportunity to pass:

- We fail to realize that the person is attracted to us in the first place

- We play games and it backfires

- We think that even though they are with someone else, that we still have the power to attract him when we feel good and ready

- We think there are lots more fish in the sea

- He’s a Nice Guy, you prefer a Bad Boy or even a Bastard

- We’re afraid of ruining a friendship

- We overestimate our own qualities hence thinking that we have all the time in the world to act upon it

- We’re keeping that person on ice for a rainy day when we think we ‘might’ be interested

- We’re just aren’t interested……………..until we see him with someone else

- We’re just not interested, period.

- You’re at different stages – you think that you want to play the field, shag around, not get too serious and you think that he may want to be serious and that scares you.

- We’re afraid and indecisive based on a combination of the above and it immobilizes us.

Remember that once the ‘window of opportunity’ has passed, the offerer (potential love interest) is well within their rights to move on, especially if you have insisted you’re not interested. It is not good form for you to only decide that you’re interested when you see him with someone else. ‘Dog in a manger’ is very unattractive!

Most of us know the type of men to stay away from. The Bad Boys, the Mr. Unavailable, the Players, the Momma’s Boys and the like. These are the ones that come to us with an automatic grade A heartbreak label and yet we choose to consort with them anyway. Why is it that we constantly do this to ourselves? I mean, there are tons of super cool guys out there, however, we will prefer to bypass them and choose the most disreputable of the bunch. What’s up with that? Well, here are some of my reasons why I think we want Mr. Wrong each and every single time.

1. We like the drama: Yeah, you might say that you are drama free and want no drama; however, humans have a thirst for adventure and action on a consistent basis in order to stimulate their humdrum lives. Mayhap seeking out the wrong guys helps alleviate this thirst. My suggestion: take up bungee jumping or some other thrill seeking sport and give up the man drama.

2. We like to fix stuff: There is nothing greater than the sense of accomplishment one gets from taking care of a problem or fixing something. Or someone. We seek the emotionally unavailable man, the bad boy, or the one with a broken heart in the hope that we might be the one to reform and fix him.
Imagine what a coup it will be to be the one lady who tamed the prowling, philandering tiger! This ideology does have its merit; however, not every tiger is ready to be tamed. Also, did you consider the ramifications if you didn’t tame him and he turned around and took a huge chunk of your heart? In our quest to setting the world to rights, sometimes you have to overlook the men that need babying, nurturing and mothering. Let’s stop playing nurse/mommy and deal with mature men. Ok?

3. We need to be fixed: Sometimes, we start dating while still having unresolved emotional issues of our own. You really aren’t ready for love until you truly love yourself. We search and seek for love in all the wrong places and wrong men in an attempt to punish ourselves for some real or imagined slight in our lives. We feel that we don’t deserve a good man and so pick the wrong ones on purpose. Look, you have to be able to move past your guilt and FORGIVE yourself for what happened those many years ago. Let’s stop the self-inflicted punishment here and now. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have true love. You are human and made mistakes, but it’s your right to have a happy future. Only you can forgive yourself. And until you do that, you won’t be ready for Mr. Right. Also bear in mind that continually dating Mr. Wrong just adds more grief, pain and turmoil to the heavy load of guilt you bear. Let. It. Go.

4. We don’t know what we want: You cannot get the man you are looking for if you have no idea what you are looking for. You have to be honest with yourself – as in painfully honest. Do you want a boyfriend, or do you just want a guy to sleep with? Do you want to get married, or do you just want someone to ‘chill with’? Sure, everyone thinks that the kosher response is to say,” I just want to be friends with a guy and get to know him first.” That is a load of hogwash. Why can’t we just make up our minds about what we want and work towards that? Let’s stop being polite and politically correct. Be real. Affirm what your true desire is, and if a guy doesn’t make the cut, cut him from the running. Enough with the ‘working on him’ and ‘trying to make it work’. Enough with taking scraps and crumbs of affection when what we really want is love. Let’s be real.

5. We look in the crappiest places: Ok, so you might be ready for Mr. Right but do you honestly believe that your dream guy is hanging out in a club or bar? Sure, he might go there for drinks and a party once in a while, but why are you frequenting the dung pit to find your true jewel? In order to get better men, you have to be at the places where the better men hang out. Keep your eyes peeled, for all you know, he might live across the street from you and drops off dry-cleaning the same time you do. The most relationships that I’ve seen last, the couples met at some social event, randomly on the street/park or were introduced by friends. So start broadening your horizons beyond the internet and the bars.

6. We aren’t ready: This is really where a lot of ladies will fall into. There is so much that we have planned, so much in our lives that we still want to attain before we ’settle down’ with a passel of kids and the 2.4 children dream. We still want to hit that promotion, buy our house, travel around the world, learn a new language and scratch off items on our ’30 Things to Do Before We Hit 30′ list. We think that marriage is the natural conclusion of our life as we know it and the end of our dreams. So we want to reach all those dreams before we even start looking for Mr. Right. Therefore we keep dating Mr. Wrongs knowing that these relationships aren’t going to work out and we can still live our fabulous lives of Singletons. Ok, I agree with the idea that we might not be ready for marriage and all that it entails, but we have to stop thinking that getting married is the end of the world. Our generation has the power to change the image of the Married Couple. Enough with the play dates, Sunday BBQ dinners, poking fun at single friends, popping out kids the every year and dedicating ourselves to fostering the Stepford Wife image. We can still live our fabulously fun lives, travel and pursue our dreams; only we have the support of our loving spouse. We just have to readjust our status from Bad Girls to Bad Girls who are Married. What’s so wrong with that?

7. We are scared: We refuse to claim Mr. Right because we are scared that it’s not going to work out. We’ve been through numerous heart breaks, Mr. Almost Right, Mr. NotQuiteRight, Mr. RightNow and other types of men and yet haven’t really succeeded in the quest to find true, lasting love. So we’ve become scared and cynical deciding that all the good ones are taken or not yet born; deeming ourselves to eternal spinsterhood. What’s worse, we are scared of taking the plunge only to end up like our parents (very few of them being good role models for the ideal marriage) or divorced. There is no guarantee that meeting Mr. Right will last forever and ever. Even I can’t promise that. Love is the biggest gamble of all, but when it pays…it pays BIG time. The only way that I’ve found to bypass the fear is to actually be with Mr. Right. He is the one that will open your eyes to the deepest levels of intimacy, commitment and love that you have ever known and make you realize that the gamble is well worth it.

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this **much** is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Somebody once told me that: "Finding the right person is very hard and very wrong. It is best to be the right person for the one you love and start from there...you'll always end up disappointed when you set standards and define a right person for you...and don't rush things coz somewhere somehow God is preparing somebody for you."

Don't be in a hurry to get into a relationship because you can never find love if you insist that you are already into it. Try to find time to really understand your real feelings, to know who you really are, and what you really want in a relationship. You're right, there's no such thing as a perfect relationship, but there's a compatible partnership that goes along with it. If you already knew that you're too big to fit into a small sized t-shirt, don't give it a try. You'll probably break it and pay for the damages you have made.

If you knew and felt that the relationship will not last, don't go deeper into it. You'll just suffer the consequences and live like hell for the rest of your life. It's really hard to say goodbye though, but you can't make it any better by just pretending you still have the same feelings. Try to let go and give yourself a chance to live life to the fullest. Give yourself a chance to grow and give your heart a much needed attention. Then you will find that you have made the right decision and you made it all by yourself.

We call it love when we can't leave someone and see them crying as we try to let go. We are wrong, it's just pity.

We call it love when we're too attached and think that losing the one we love will somehow make us weak and unable to face the storms of life. We misunderstood; it’s just that we're too much dependent to them.

We call it love when we give our whole life to them, the wholeness of us and imagined that if they leave, no one would accept us and our past. We are mistaken, its just insecurity.

But no matter what the definition is, the truth still remains that love isn't something you can buy or beg. It is real and existing. You can't touch it but you can feel it in your heart. You can't find it, but it will knock before you when you least expect it to come. It can make you the happiest soul in heaven, but don't forget that it can also make you the most miserable person in the whole galaxy.

In your life, you'll make note of a lot of people. Ones with whom you shared something special, ones who will always mean something. There's the one you first kissed, the one you first loved, the one you put on a pedestal, the one you're with...and the one that got away. Who is the one that got away?

I guess it's that person with who everything was great, everything was perfect, but the timing was just wrong. I believe in the fact that ending up with someone, finding a longtime partner that is, does not lie merely in the other person.

I can actually argue that a greater part has to do with the matter of timing. It has to do with you being ready to settle down and commit to someone in a way that goes beyond the little niceties of giddy romance. How often have you gone through it without even realizing it?

When you're not ready to commit in that mature manner, it doesn't matter who you're with, it just doesn't work. It's not that you and the person you're with are no good. It's just that it's not yet right. Then one day you're ready. You really are. And when this happens you'll be ready to settle down with someone. He or she may not be the most perfect, they might not be the brightest star of romance to ever have burned in your life, but it'll work because you're ready. It'll work because it's the right time.

So that day comes when you're finally making sense of things, and you find yourself to be a different person. Things are different, your approach is different, you finally understand who you are and what you want and you've become ready because the time has truly arrived. And mind you, there's no telling when this day will come. Hopefully you're single but you could be in a long-term relationship, you could be married with three kids, it doesn't matter. All you know is that you've changed, and for some reason, the one that got away, is the first person you think about. You'll think about them because you'll wonder, "What if they were here today?" You'll wonder, "What if we were together now, with me as I am and not as I was?" That's what the one that got away is. The biggest "What if?" you'll have in your life.

What do you do if it's not yet too late? Simple...find him, find her. Because the very existence of a "one that got away" means that you'll always wonder, what if you got that one? Ask him out to coffee, ask her out to a movie, it doesn't matter if you've dropped in from out of nowhere. You'd be surprised, you just might be "the one that got away" as well for the person who is your "the one that got away." You might drop in from out of nowhere and it won't make a difference. If the timing is finally right, it'll all just fall into place somehow and you know, I'm thinking, it would be a great feeling, in the end, to be able to say to someone, "Hey you, you're the one that almost got away."